iThink...thereFore, iAm

Sometimes we can’t quite explain what we’re feeling.

Take me for example. I may be a pessimist to say so, but generally I feel like I’ve had a rough track, though people may or may not agree. Then again, only I know what I’ve been through and what goes on behind the smile. Most of my friends find that I’m unbelievably jaded and some even think I was ignorant and silly to have gone through what I did. At one point of time I believed them. To quote a song, “I’ve been lonely, I’ve been cheated and I’ve been misunderstood. I’ve been washed up, I’ve been put down, and told I’m no good.” No shit, this all has happened to me, and more. I’m not going to list out exact instances and examples because firstly I don’t feel they deserve the focus of our energy, secondly I don’t want to start a trolling nitpicking session, and thirdly it’s my blog and I do what I want with it (I just had to add that in there). Now, looking back with a clearer vision, I see that it wasn’t my fault, which isn’t to say it was always someone else’s - sometimes crap just happens.

(Unfortunately, both situations happen frequently enough to me.)

I’ve had quite enough bullshit from people telling me to count my blessings and compare to the homeless and starving. The relative misery of another fellow human being should not make you feel better - only to do something about their situation if you can. I am partly skeptical and partly envious of people who can be happy just because of their faith - envious because I crave that joy and I know it exists, but skeptical because I also know the reality of life is that it is tough; it can even be a crock of shit at times. Or worse.

(Trust me you don’t really want to know what’s worse)

I don’t believe that life is meant to be smooth all the time - I just don’t understand why some of us have to have it feeling tougher than others. To the people who think I’m weak (or any others who feel the same way I do), up yours. Live our lives, and then we’ll talk.

That being said, I’m not unaware of what I have. I’ve got a good head on my shoulders, a good family, enough money to survive (though not enough to not worry about it, and of any one of you is generous enough to care please give it to someone who really needs it instead of me), and I’m healthy. I’ve got skills, smiles, songs and silliness. I have more than some people could dream. I have a Significant Other who has stuck with me even though I’m not the most romantic person.

Chances are, some of you people who are sad are like me; feeling like we have the short end of the stick, but no reason to feel so.

I’m not going to go into some existential quandary about how we were meant to have a greater glory - that’s for John Eldredge to tell you, bless his soul. I will, however, say that today I was reminded that I have reason to believe I am blessed in so many ways. Sure I have a tough time. I have things to worry about, and believe me there’s a lot. I have a great deal of important concerns to take care of, but each person has his or her worries and sometimes it’s good to look back at what we should treasure before you lose it from not watching over it.

I guess sometimes we really don’t have a reason to be upset about our lives. Stuff happens, and sometimes there’s no one to blame. But it takes strength of its own kind to admit that life is treating you like shit and grit our teeth and move on.

Just look at Wolverine. The dude’s got this nailed smack down.