iThink...thereFore, iAm

(In Down In The Dirt, I attempt to address very real aspects of living a Christian life, well aware that not all can always be “fine and dandy”, and there will be small issues and inklings that bug us. These are observed in my own life as well as the lives of others, and though a solution may not always be present and expounded on, I do believe that sometimes these “real” issues are symptoms of deeper issues and part of life on earth is dealing with them - so let’s be real and get down there, in the dirt!)

What Forgiveness Is (And Isn’t)

By now most of us had heard many different descriptions and effects of what forgiveness looks like. I’m afraid this is the part that a lot of you are going to get angry with me - because I’m going to tear apart quite a few of those assumptions and mindsets. Please bear with me - my intention is not to upset nor infuriate anyone (though I’ve already stated that some of you will be), but to give perhaps just a glimmer on what forgiveness really is, against the simple saying and traditions that have been carelessly passed down. You are free to disagree with me (and of course I would love to hear why, so please contact me if you do!) but I should stress that although I think this to be true, I’m firstly only human, and secondly not able to enforce this on anyone, nor do I intend to. This is merely just a practical note on what it looks like and what it really is.

The biggest peeve I have in this area is the phrase “forgive and forget”. People, let’s get this straight - it was NOT said in the Bible. I can understand the rationale for “forgetting” after you forgive so that no grudges hang around or lingering memories to cause you hurt, but I’m not too sure about the forgiveness if you tell me that you’ve already forgotten it in a short time frame. Furthermore, if you have to forget it to forgive the person, is it really forgiving or have you just erased the memory and pretended nothing has happened? I think the converse is more true - if you totally remember the incident or the offence and yet can hold no grudge, bear no ill thought against another, then you have truly forgiven. Note that I didn’t mention anything about feeling nothing about the incident (we’ll talk a little bit on the pain felt later), because I think it’s well possible that memories can still bring back pain. Possible, but not always the case - yet the essential component here is that forgiveness doesn’t mean the crime is forgotten. Absolved, yes. Pardoned, yes. Atoned in Christ’s blood, oh yes. But not forgotten.

Why do I think this way? I may have over-thought this a tad, but I believe we are asked to give an account of our lives when we face God in heaven (assuming we get there hurhur), which then leads me to think that all the sins we’ve committed, though already forgiven, will still have to be accounted for. If things are forgotten, how can they be accounted for? Furthermore, I would think (and on this I dare say many would agree) that forgiveness is all the more powerful when the crime or sin is not forgotten! True forgiveness does not forget the crime - it is not a call to naivety, to be cheated against again, similarly the command to “turn the other cheek” does not deliberately invite the punishment to come twice. Forgiveness is not making ourselves forget what happened and treat everything like it didn’t happen - because then our hearts don’t grow. Forgiveness is instead acknowledging it happened (we cannot deny history and facts), but choosing to let it go - and we may forget it over the years, and we may not. Yet it should no longer fester in us. A clear sign that our emotions have not caught up with the will to forgive is that we harbour thoughts of vengeance, or we plot to retaliate, or subconsciously think of arguments and comebacks, or orchestrate and imagine conversations to the other person in which they are dumbfounded and you win. Or you could draft multiple emails to be saved in anticipation that the person slips up and you have an entry point to getting even by sending all the flaming lines of text. Or you could blog specifically and explicitly about it. The list could go on - and I’m sure you can think of some examples yourself too. Conversely, we know we’ve forgiven when these are all absent (remember, forgiveness is primarily for our own benefit!) and our hearts are silent about the matter. You’ll probably be asking about whether we can still care for the person, as Jesus asked us to love each other, but if you’re talking about forgiveness right after something has occurred I’d advise to not think about that for the time being…there will come a time when you will be in a position to do so.

That being said, can things go back to normal after forgiveness has been given? Well…yes and no. Yes, wounds will be healed, and situations will be restored, and maybe even friendships reconciled. But no, I don’t believe somehow that everything will magically return to exactly the same way it was before. Just like how Frodo and friends in The Lord Of The Rings may have slain Sauron and the ringwraiths but his scar from when he was stabbed still remains, I think we will (and should) bear the scar that has been made. And scars heal, as wounds do, but they change things too - so I wouldn’t be surprised if things don’t go back to the same as they were before. Can you expect the divorcee to have the same impressions as she had on marriage and romance? Or the sober victim of a drunk driving accident to ever look at alcohol consumption the same way? Forgiveness may have been dealt, but just as the crime has been committed, the damage is also done and some damages are permanent.

Despite not forgetting, forgiveness most certainly isn’t using whatever has happened as a leverage point against the person. It is true that what has happened has happened, but mere courtesy alone demands that one should never use the past as a weapon to strike another. Having heard this, can you imagine the amount of unforgiveness that goes around marriages at times? I mean no offence to those married, and I think everyone quarrels from time to time - but when you hear things being raked up out of the past you somehow know the arguments will escalate.

Forgiveness may well be painful. And rightly so. You are giving up what you deem to be your “rights”, but you are doing so in an expression of love for your God. Should you ever find you have reached the point that you can easily forgive any wrong done against you without so much an inkling of hesitation in your heart, then please let me know who you are so I can put myself under your venerable tutelage. Given that one doesn’t forget something so deep so easily, the greater the “crime” the harder it seems to be to forgive. And that’s the beauty of it all doesn’t it?

So what exactly is forgiveness? (and with this I bring this series of posts to an end). Given that it’s not a feeling nor an explicit command, I’m led to say this - I think forgiveness is firstly an act of will, secondly a sacrifice of surrender, and thirdly an expression of worship and obedience. It means we choose to do so, we give up our thoughts of vengeance and our rights to get even in doing so, and by doing so we honor our God in emulating His character.

Forgiveness is, ultimately, a self sacrificial act of love. And the only way to really get there is not through nonchalance nor cynicism and definitely not through legalism and shallowness. The only way to truly forgive is to know your God, and thereby know love. Forgiveness is a relational thing, something that screams against the fighting nature we have cultivated so long. That’s precisely why so many men (and women) harbor unforgiveness; it contradicts our inner pride. It’s all about “me”.

You’re only half right. Forgiveness isn’t just about you, but what it will do for you. The same applies to unforgiveness as well. To recognize that all sin is against God takes us down from that pedestal and puts us in the situation where we are able to lay our pains and cries before God, as David did.

We may well clench our teeth and say “I’m going to forgive him even if it kills me!” and I applaud your determination. But it could well kill you, because forgiveness isn’t something we can force. A choice must be made, and then the source of love and subsequently forgiveness must be sought.

At the end of the day, forgiveness turns us back to God, and that’s where we should go - or at least be making our way there.

Author’s Note: As I was writing this, I was struggling (and still am) with bitterness and anger, and I felt extremely hypocritical writing this. But it helped me to recognize that we are not perfect, and these imperfections can either turn us to God or away from Him. I’ve slipped back more than once, and I’m ashamed to admit it - but forgiveness is a choice that we have to make and stand by it regardless of how we feel. I encourage you to draw on our Father’s Love to strengthen you, and let the bitterness, anger and unforgiveness ease into His hands.