iThink...thereFore, iAm

Everyone tells me they can be controlled, should be controlled, that they don’t have to bubble up to the surface. That emotions shouldn’t control your life, shouldn’t control your time, your actions, and that what you do as part of your life should go on as per normal without change. That you can force yourself out of it, and put a smile on when everything is hurting inside. That you can keep your focus, and that you don’t lose any part of yourself.

I find it increasingly hard to believe that.

My life will go on as it will - I have my responsibilities, my hobbies, my interests, and nothing can change that. My focus remains as it was - centered on my ministry and my Master and Mission. I retain the rituals of everyday life, for no other reason than the fact that they are familiar, and it is also for that reason that I welcome them and they have always existed in a sense of purpose - they are not mere rituals for actions’ sake.

But I cannot, or I do not seem, to forget. Should I? Perhaps it is not to forget that matters, yet “out of sight, out of mind” is a truthful adage. I do not seem to be able to cover my sadness, irritation, anger, annoyance, hurt, etc, under a facade of smiles. How I feel may not affect my responsibilities and the standard which I do them, but it affects the ease of carrying them out and the joy I find in them.

I’m not one of those able to say “to heck with this” and get one with my life - my life will move on, that’s certain, but with a certain heaviness and a certain plodding. When something largely upsetting (to say the least, without using the term “devastating”) stabs you in the heart, I truly wonder what kind of person doesn’t at least feel the pain, regardless of whether his or her life moves forward from then.

Some people are able to say “I’m going to choose to not feel upset about this because it’s a waste of my time”. I wonder if that’s really conducive for growing - there is a process of healing that needs to take place that cultivates a character.  We can choose not to let it affect our actions or decisions, but I don’t really understand the internalization of not feeling certain things. Aren’t we incomplete then?

That being said, this really sucks.