iThink...thereFore, iAm

Trauma need not be of epic catastrophic proportions - such a state of distraught can easily be brought about with simple occurrences: shattering of dreams, a breaking of heart, denial of attaining an ambition, all can cause emotional turmoil at any point of time. Perhaps why it was so prominent in the subject is because he not only faced them one after another, but at the same time. Moreover, his environment - both events and people - provided a constant drain on his emotional strength with what they did. With this depleted, like any castle of ages old without an army to defend it, the human psyche is easy to crush.

Dissonance between what he wants and what he believes to be morally right - accentuated by others around him who seem to have no problem bartering principles or switching sides for their own personal benefit - exists at an almost subconsciously level, and he is often felt to have been given the short end of the stick. This creates a constant internal battle because he cannot reconcile what he observes to what he believe. Because the soft side of emotions is what seems to be causing the hurt, that is stowed away - the natural tendency to hide and protect what is seemingly weaker. But as a result the harder emotions emerge in response to the subject’s situation and he finds himself in sudden urges of anger or thoughts of hatred. It is interesting to note that these two have no focus; they are not directed at anything in particular, as we might expect them to be. Instead they remain as a format volcano, but eager to burst forth as the first permissible instance. Interviews with the subject reveal that he himself is not comfortable with this but yet cannot control it. Lengths have been taken to assure him emotions are not logical and sometimes needs to be expressed.

Due to the large internal conflict caused by his circumstance, subject has entered into shutting down selective sections of himself in a desperate bid of self- preservation. What he fails to realize is that the human mind is not made to function that way: the yin must be balanced by the yang. As a result, cracks have now formed in certain areas of his mental and emotional defenses, making him newly vulnerable in those areas as well. In this way, the subject has seemed to weaken his overall person - the parts which have been hurt are overly shielded at the cost of opening new Achilles Heels which he cannot afford at this time. Yet I believe this may be the only option he perceives as possible - all other options derive direct pain, something that he is not eager to handle voluntarily.

Escapism and distraction is the first option provided by his instinct, yet his behavioral patterns seem to imply that he knows they will not work - at best they are something to occupy the forefront of his mind, at worst an activity to tire himself out that his mind may be forced to rest. It is surmised that he subconsciously knows that these are but supplements that will assist in this time, but the actual work is done by God and between God and him, to which no sciences can hope to comprehend.

In this first step, the subject must realize that this ordeal, as he sees it, is not meaningless. Each specific detail of hardship borne is not random and coincidental; on the contrary it reveals much on the subject to himself (and to those around him who bother to observe) and the overcoming of the individual inward struggles is not fruitless. Each failure has a meaning, each stumble a purpose to which a growth must start from. As do all men, the subject seeks the fastest way out of it, yet I sense he knows that is not the best way - creating yet another cognitive dissonance, albeit a good one to start with.

- “A Mind Untold” - Jayell Nomen